I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My ass is underappreciated
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
