you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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