Just fell off a train. Bad.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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