I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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