I'm jealous of your bromance
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Success! We fucked roommates!
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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