our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
