i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
