i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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