i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
