I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
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