I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
