Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
