The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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