dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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