I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
