just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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