i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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