so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
