that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
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