The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
