Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
