I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I forgot wine drunk hurts
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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