just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
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I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
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I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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