singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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