she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
