What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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