my text book just quoted the cookie monster
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
