Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
