I just pynch a tree in the face
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
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