If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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