So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
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Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
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The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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