I am midnight drunk by noon
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
