Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
