so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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