I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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