I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
