you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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