I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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