Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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