She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Just took my morning after pill in the library
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
