i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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