He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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