my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
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I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
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Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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