my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
