Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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