i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
