found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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