i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
