She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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