My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
it's great music for shaving your balls
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
