i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Omg I joined a choir last night...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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