Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
